I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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