i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
