smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
