3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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