a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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