I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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