i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
