If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
