Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
