If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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