i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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