I showed him my bush... on skype.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
