my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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