So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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