So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
