She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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