I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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