A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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