Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
