the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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