It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize