girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
