Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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