He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
