this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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