I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
