I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
