you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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