I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
