HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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