Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
