Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
