Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
