About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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