Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
