apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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