Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
