We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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