Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Im part way to drunk.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
