I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
