I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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