Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
