Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
