A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
