Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
