He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
