I showed him my bush... on skype.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
