she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
