I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Too much gin, very little bucket
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
