Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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