Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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