just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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