I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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