nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
