do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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