Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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