I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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